Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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