Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just gargled with NyQuil
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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