Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
