Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
