she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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