i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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