I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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