I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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