I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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