your thong is hanging out like whoa
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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