im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
