he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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