his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
