I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
