how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
