someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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