Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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