i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
