Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
