This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
