: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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