the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
