I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
