Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
