why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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