my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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