you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
