I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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