Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
