My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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