yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
