so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
