see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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