I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
