found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
