I wish I only lived at night.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
