So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
