Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
