I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
