well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
