I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
