Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
