Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
