You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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