I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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