There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
