Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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