You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
