Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This baby is an asshole
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
