ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
